notes on a daughter
by emletish
Summary: a companion piece to -not stalking Zuko- this is what Katara read. It is better to be feared than loved. Ozai starts training Azula in her special lessons. She has mixed feelings, but she learns. Warning animals and people are hurt and it's a bit creepy


this is a companion piece for not stalking Zuko - chap 21. this is what Katara read when she is looking at the files.

warning: contains animal cruelty and general messed up shenanigans and creepiness.

* * *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

notes on a daughter.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The girl is exceptionally talented and can perfectly perform some basic firebending moves. She is clever and devious. She craves recognition and power over others. How can this be used for my ends.

I have decided to take the girl in hand. If I do not intervene the wife may ruin her like she has ruined the boy.

She needs guidance in the area of manipulation. The girl is so easily swayed by the slightest bit of attention I throw her way. She enjoys being told that she is better, smarter and more talented than the boy. This is makes the girl smile. So I say it frequently and often within the boy's hearing.

We decided to run a quick experiment on some iguana seals we have found. I am experimenting with how much the girl will do, just because I tell her she must. The girl showed some reluctance, but eventually enjoyed the experiments. However she did not wish to dispose of them at the end. We still have work to do.

The upstart cousin and my brother have arrived today. I know that the upstart has recently broken up with his girlfriend. I have taught the girl many hurtful comments to say about this.

The upstart has stormed out of dinner. I have praised the girl highly.

I have talked the girl into putting the tiniest bit of nightshade into brother's tea. Not enough to kill him, but enough to make him sick. Just to see what will happen. If she is undetected and we succeed in poisoning my brother, who knows what we could accomplish together.

Poisoning failed. Brother had tea with the wife. Brother prefers to pour the tea for his guests first and so it was the wife who had the first sip. She very quickly ascertained that there was nightshade in the tea and stopped my brother from drinking it. Sometimes the wife is too clever.

Brother has thrown away the whole bag of tea and has claimed that the assassins after him are getting more clever. I know, I am encouraging them. He has made many enemies over the years after all. One of them is bound to succeed eventually.

The wife is very sick today and the boy has stayed with her constantly and gotten her anything she needs. The wife prefers the company of the boy to my assistance and has loudly demanded that I leave her alone. When I did not leave, she sent the boy to get my brother. My own brother has banned me from 'bothering' my own wife.

The girl is in tears over the state of the wife. She hovers at the doorway to the wife's room and then runs away and cries. She does not cry in front of me and always washes her face and schools her features before she presents herself. So I have chosen to ignore the crying and to pretend it is not happening. I despise seeing this weakness from her and have told her. I thought she had more strength of character. She should not wish for the wife's attention.

The girl and I were about to start on today's lesson when the boy came and told the girl that the wife has been asking after her and is worried about her and missing her. The girl was disgustingly happy with this news and has gone to see the wife.

Have punished the boy. He keeps_ looking _at me. Honestly, the way the child _looks_ at me sometimes. It is enough to make any one wish to hurt him.

Wife is a little better today and has demanded the children all day. She prefers their company to mine.

Brother has taken me aside and told me something about tea and legacy. I do not understand what he is getting at. I never understand what he is getting at. I got the girl to kick him relentlessly. Kick him in the shins until he stops her and see how long he lasts. This will test his patience and give him bruised shins. She has complied.

Brother tolerated the girl for a while but eventually lifted the girl up under one arm to contain her. He held her there and continued to converse pleasantly with the upstart while the girl kicked and hollered and screamed.

Brother had handed the care of the girl over to the wife and says she seems _quite disturbed_ and he was not sure what was wrong with her.

Have had to drag the girl away from the wife. I have made the girl experiment on the upstart's Kimodo Rhino.

The Kimodo Rhino is injured but will recover. The girl is showing more aptitude for this.

The upstart is furious and angry with me but he cannot prove anything. Even if he could, all evidence points to the girl and the upstart does not want to believe she is capable of such a thing. The upstart is very naïve.

The wife is teaching the children how to doctor the Kimodo Rhino's wounds. The beast is terrified of the girl and is very frightened when she is in the room. The wife is perplexed by this but has excused the girl from her lesson.

The girl is spending time with the boy today and I get the distinct impression that they are avoiding me.

It is shameful that children should avoid their own father. I have punished them both for their insolence. Perhaps too much. Brother furious with me. He has taken me aside and said that it is astonishing that I am so bitter when I have such sweet children. Have offered him the boy in exchange for him shutting up for once in his life. Brother was displeased by this.

Have tried poisoning again. Oleader this time. We have mixed it with honey and painted around the edge of the mouth piece of the upstart's tsungi horn. Just to see what will happen.

The wife has succeeded in poisoning herself again. She wanted to 'have a go' with the tsungi horn and was the first to blow it. What does she hope to gain by exposing all the things I have poisoned. Is the wife deliberately thwarting me?

All is chaos in the house. The wife is very sick and has spent the day abed while the boy tends to her. He cries over her illness and she frequently cuddles him and I find this maddening. She has banished me from the room. The girl was hiding from me and crying. But came when I called. I am teaching her how to make people obey her and fear her. But it is most important that she always obeys me. She is learning this lesson well.

Have taught the girl some unkind things to say about my brother's late wife at dinner. My brother was surprised and furious and has at last cracked that kindly facade he keeps up. He has shouted at her about having respect for the dead. I knew his patience with children would only last so long. The girl now believes my brother hates her, so she will be less susceptible to his influence. I have rattled my brother. I am pleased.

upstart is trying to teach the children how to swim. I tell the girl that she should try hold her brother under, should the opportunity present itself. She thought I was joking, but I assured her I was not. I gave her instructions. Don't drown him, just scare him. But make it look accidental.

Boy can hold his breathe for a rather long period of time. The boy has so few talents that when one presents itself it is always surprising. When did he learn this?

The girl has told the boy she was just playing. I do not think the boy believes her. But the wife does and says they should make friends.

The children have disappeared today. Have tried to spend quality time with the wife but she beat me over the head with her hard cover copy of _Love Amongst the Dragons _when I came close. Have been ejected from the room by my brother again.

The girl is angry with me and prefers to spend her time with the boy today. I am perplexed. Asked the boy. He said it was her flute recital yesterday and I had promised to go- the wife was too sick to attend and my brother and the upstart prefer to spend time together. I did not appear and this made the girl sad. The boy was the only one who went. Apparently the girl plays beautifully.

Have told the girl that she must abandon all music studies. They are frivolous and irrelevant and she is far too special to have to learn anything else but what I have to teach her.

Have told the girl that the wife loves the boy more. It was his tsungi horn recital today and the wife dragged her self out of bed to attend. She did not attend the girl's. It was easy to convince the girl of the significance of this. This has made the girl sad but it is for her own good.

The girl told the wife what I have said. We have had a large argument. The girl was greatly distressed to be the source of our argument and started to cry. In front of me. I am appalled. Normally she keeps her tears to herself.

The boy took the girl away and got her an icecream. She has stopped crying. The boy is good for something after all.

The girl's pink friend has arrived. She is malleable and will be an easy training tool for the girl. Control and manipulation games. Just little things. We are only practicing now.

The girl is learning well. Small, scary things that cannot be traced back to her. The pink friend is now very obedient and this pleases the girl.

The pink friend and the boy are both very acrobatic and are constantly cartwheeling and flipping and doing handstands together. The girl is not as acrobatic as they are. she is very frustrated with herself and with them. The pink girl and the boy have offered to show her how to cartwheel, but she firebent at them. This surprised and frightened them. She is learning. I am proud.

The boy and the pink friend play together like regular children. The boy and the pink friend's antics distract the girl and she wishes to play with them. I am appalled that the boy and the pink friends mediocrity is distracting the girl so much. She has talent, where they have none. She should not be envious.

Have talked the girl into punishing the pink friend for her behaviour. The pink friend should not prefer the boy to the girl and must be shown the error of her ways.

The girl has hurt the pink friend and feels rather guilty despite the fact that I tell her that she has made a remarkable achievement. No one, not even the wife, suspects her. The girl cannot stop crying and fawning over pink friend. I think this is a result of the wife's or the boy's influence.

Have beheaded many scorpidillos in front of all the children. Pink friend sniveled pathetically and cried. I told her I was doing it for her sake. It proves I care and it is good for the children to get a stomach for gore and violence.

Threw scorpidillo stomach at the pink girl to get her to stop sniveling. The boy pushed her out of the way of said stomach and ended up covered in entrails. He promptly threw up. The boy is so weak. The wife and I have had an argument re: scorpidillo entrails and my tendency to throw them at people. Apparently this is inappropriate.

The pink one and the boy are wary of the girl now. They prefer to play with each other and have gone swimming without the girl. The girl is sad. But I tell her that this is a good thing. It is working. They are starting to fear her.

The wife gave the children a baby pigmy puma each for the sun festival. This is to teach the children responsibility. Apparently.

Have gotten the girl to experiment on the boy's new pet, when the boy was out with the upstart. I tell the girl that the upstart loves the boy more than the her. She believes me. I have told her that what we will do today will help her get back at the boy for stealing the affection of her cousin.

She should know what it is like to have control over life and death. There is a power in that. The girl was reluctant at first, but performed well. I tell her it gets easier.

The boy is looking for his new pet now, but he will never find it.

The boy has sassed me over the dissapearance of his new pet. He has been punished.

The wife has fawned over the boy. This is only encouraging his weakness.

The wife has helped the boy search for his pigmy puma. They have found it, under the rocks. We made it look like an accident. Both wife and boy have thrown up.

My brother and the upstart have left today. They are needed in the war room. Good riddance.

The pink friend is very obedient thanks to the attention of the girl. This pleases her. The boy is not obedient and will require more work.

The wife has made all the children play together. The pink friend has an annoying tendency to hide behind the boy when the girl is angry. The girl is displeased by this and has said that she thought getting someone to properly fear her would feel good, but the pink girl's flinching does not make her feel good.

Have told the girl that the time had come for her to really hurt the boy. She refuse at first, because the boy had not upset her today. I told her that the boy needed her to do this. The boy reminds me of my very first Kimondo Rhino. It was also willful to a fault. I was too kind to it when it was young and it never learned to properly fear me. If it only could have been obedient. Instead it made me hurt it. I had to put a choking collar on it to stop it running away. One day I came home and it had straggled itself trying to escape.

The boy is not smarter than that Kimodo Rhino. I told the girl that I believed that she was.

The girl has understood my meaning.

The girl has done well. The boy's right shoulder is dislocated and the wife has fawned over him and fed him countless cups of sun poppy tea. I have told the girl that I am very proud.

The girl seems sad and is avoiding me. She is avoiding the boy and the wife too.

The girl has spent the better part of today braiding pink friend's hair and ignoring me. I am cross at her for this.

The boy has recovered somewhat. The wife has given money to get ice cream for him, pink friend and the girl. I told the girl she was not allowed to go.

The girl has told me that she wishes to play with her friends and not do any lessons today. She is not sure if she wants the pink friend and the boy to completely fear her anymore. I told her that it is a far better thing to be feared than to be loved. The girl said that she knew this, but she would like to be loved all the same. I told her that love was the most inconstant force in the entire universe. She would be a fool to rely on that. I am the only one who loves her and even I dislike her on occasion. That is love. Fear on the other hand, is constant. Once someone learns to properly fear you, they are yours forever. The girl said she understood.

The girl has disobeyed me and gone to get ice cream with the boy and the pink friend. I have given her pigmy puma a few drops of oleander. It will die in a few days. It will look like it died of natural causes. After everything I have taught her, the girl should be not be surprised by this. She should have seen this coming. She makes me do this to her.

The pink friend has departed with her parents today. Both the boy and the girl will miss her. Have dragged the girl away for lessons. The wife and the boy have been making casts of their hands and the girl wishes to join them, but she is not allowed and she will learn to mind me.

The girl's pigmy puma died today and she had an enormous tantrum and attacked the boy and said it was all his fault. Then she cried. She is prone to tears lately and this irritates me. I thought I had taught her more fortitude than that. Have told the girl that pulling the wings off dragon flies will make her feel better. I find it soothing and so will she. We were doing this together when the wife found us.

Have gotten into a large argument with the wife. She has accused me of **turning the girl into a monster.** Within the girl's hearing. This is good. I have previously told the girl that the wife does not love her and thinks of her as a monster. Now she will believe it.

The boy took the girl away to her room and started play the tsungi horn for her loudly. To drown out the sound of the argument and to cheer her up.

I hate the sound of tsungi horn.

The girl has asked the boy if he thinks she is a monster. He does not. This pleases the girl. She wishes to spend time with the boy and forgo her lesson this afternoon. This displeases me. But there are no more animals left and I do not wish to hurt the girl directly yet. The wife has decided that it is for the best that the children do not have any pets.

The boy took the girl (and the wife and myself) to a hot spring that he and pink friend found. He made the girl laugh and when they went for a swim she did not try to hold him under once. The wife has taken them both for ice cream. I was asked not to come. I resent them all right now.

Last night the girl showed the boy how she holds the fire. He can now do it. This is a major step backwards for the girl.

Today the girl hid from me. I found her with the boy on the beach. She has asked the boy if he loves her. The boy said that even though she made him really mad sometimes she was his baby sister and he would always love her. She said that she was sorry they could not have pets anymore. The boy told her it was not her fault that his pigmy puma got buried in a rock slide and hers ate some oleander and got sick and died. She cried again. What is wrong with that girl? Is it proximity to the boy? The boy hugged her and said various soothing things. All my hard work is being undone.

The children are too close. The boy could taint the girl with his weakness. I will devise ways to separate them.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

long and rambly notes because I must write them about literally everything I come up with.

eeerrr. So this was the segment of Ozai's training Azula journal that I wrote but cut out of 'not Stalking Zuko.' because it creeps me out a bit. Ozai's head space was difficult for me to write, really he is a bit of a sick puppy. I was a bit apprehensive about posting it, because it is a fair bit darker than what I normally write. But enough of my lovely readers voted to read it so viola. Here it is.

I've just written it like brief point notations, because to me that is how Ozai would think. He doesn't really see the big picture, just how things immediately affect him. Kimberly T said he's a classic sociopath/pyschopath and I think this is correct. He just doesn't have empathy. He doesn't see the people around him, even Azula, as people with feelings etc. they are just toys to be played with.

However I also think Ozai is a coward. He does not fight for himself really, he gets Azula to do it for him. He has gotten used to getting Azula to do his dirty work for him. In the series he stays safe in the firenation capitol while she gallivants around the world doing his business. He doesn't ever really think that Zuko will kill him in the day of black sun so I hand wave all his bro ha ha- why don't you strike me down – monologing in that episode. The only time he leaves the palace is for self aggrandizement and when he is absolutely certain that he will win. It is the day of the comet after all. He might be a great bender, but for the most part I think he was a coward through and through. We only ever see him fighting children.

He prefered method of hurting/killing in this is poison because it's not direct. Ursa is not deliberately poisoning herself. The first time with the tea was an accident. The second time, she wasn't sure if they had actually done it. She's not sure at this point how much Ozai and Azula are capable of and she is 'just testing' with the tsungi horn. That it is also poisoned would confirm some of her darker suspicions about her husband. She whacks him repeatedly with whatever heavy object comes to hand whenever he tries to have quality time with her. Because she's awesome.

I am a bit of an Azula apologist. I don't know, I just find her a bit compelling. I don't know if I like her, but I feel for her. She was a magnificent bastard of a villian. She was witty and she was scary. But at the end of Sozin's comet when she's just a poor crazy girl losing her nut – I just feel so sorry for her. I always hoped that she'd get better than just rotting away in some mental asylum and I'd like to think that Zuko would look after her as best he could. His face at the end of that Agni Kai is not one of crowing victory but of deep sympathy. I think if anyone would have a chance at reaching out to her and understanding what she went through during her childhood and why she was the way she was- it would be Zuko, not Ursa. Both of the have fought so hard for their father's love and approval only to be used/rejected.

Azula has such complicated mixed feelings towards her mother. I get the feeling that she desperately longed for and wanted her mother's love and approval, but it seemed more elusive to her. Ozai linked his love and approval to simple, extrinsic and achievable goals. Hurt this iguana seal and I'll love you etc. So Azula follows him because it is easy and I think she does want love, in her own Azula way.

This is just a brief segment from around the time that Ozai started training Azula and I think in those early days she might have been a bit resistant to some of the the things she would have seen as wrong. She would not have wanted to really hurt her friend and her brother or her mother, but would have eventually complied with her father's wishes and then felt guilty. But slowly she would have found it all a bit easier until she could do the sort of things that she does in the series, without feeling guilty.

I also think that obeying her father was a survival strategy for her. I have Ozai talk about strangling kimodo rhinos who don't obey. He has two meanings here and Azula was a cluey enough kid to understand both. I have Ozai punish Azula by killing her pigmy puma, when she outright disobeys him. Azula will know it was him and be more obedient in the future. I think that Azula had a fairly rough time of it from Ozai too. I mean Zuko has a terrible time, but I don't think Azula fared any better. She might have been praised more, but how much is praise from Ozai really worth? I think she learned how to navigate his moods and handle him and avoid the worst of his rages – but that doesn't mean she enjoyed it. There is something in the way she says 'this place is depressing' in _the beach_ that actually got me thinking about this whole crazy thing. I think Azula hates the beach house because that is where all the special lessons started for her.

But I always got the impression that Azula really did care for Ty Lee and Zuko on some level. I don't have Mai in this fic because I always felt that her and Azula's friendship was not as strong as Azula and Ty Lee's. I think that Ty Lee knew her the longest and may have been the one friend that Azula chose for herself (who wouldn't want a friend like Ty Lee). I think Mai was always a bit emotionless and Ozai would have thought she could have a beneficial influence on Azula (who is a little prone to tears in this fic.)

I also think that Ty Lee and Zuko were close as kids. When Ty Lee said 'but I do know you' to Zuko in the beach – I got the feeling that they had been friends at one point as well. I think when Ty Lee felt a bit scared of Ozai or Azula on this vacation, she would have sought out Zuko's company. Their friendship makes Azula jealous of both of them. She wants to play with both of them, but she also wants to _be them_ and not have to worry about special lessons and she doesn't know how to deal with that yet.

Anyway, I think Azula does feel affection for them on some level. This could probably all be just in my imagination. But the way she behaves to both of Zuko and Ty Lee in _the beach_ to me shows that there is some human emotion down there. She does show what appears to be genuine remorse to me- when she makes Ty Lee cry. She really wants to fit in with the other teenagers and have boys like her etc. and I think she is starting to feel like a bit of a misfit. You can't scare a boy into liking you and Azula has been taught to only operate by fear.

She can tell Zuko's unhappy and does seem interested when she asks him if her is angry at her around the camp fire. I think that she is hoping to keep Zuko around as a fall guy/buffer between her and Ozai, but I also think that she missed him in her own Azula way when he was banished and was a bit lonely without him and Ursa around.

So I guess at the end, Azula is a scary piece of work, but she got to be that way with help. I also think that some of the brief flashes of affection we see for Zuko are genuine. Because I think he is the only person who (was not a hallucination) has ever told her he loved her without having what Azula would perceive as an ulterior motive.

So lovely readers, that was it. I hope you liked it, or that it at least illuminated how I see some of the firenation family dynamics.


End file.
